Figure it out with me
by Sophia.Love.Linstead
Summary: Erin overcomes her shock from Jay walking out, she follows him over to Will's not letting him go that easy. Set 4x17.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.**

 **A/N: Hey, not sure how I feel about this one... but I'm trying to cover as few angles. I've got Jay regretting it and begging for forgiveness, I've started a story where Erin is kind letting Jay know she's there, now where she's forceful. Lastly, there will be a re write. Jay tells Abby he has someone and comes home to speak with Erin.**

Figure it out with me

I raise my hand to knock loudly on the door, my eyes full of insecurity and hurt as Will opens the door.

"Erin… hey."

"Hey Will, I need to see Jay." It's a demand, not a request as my hazel eyes stare him down.

"Sorry Erin, that's not a good idea. He wants space." Will shrugs apologetic at me.

"I don't care Will." My eyes are fire.

"Erin…"

"He's the one keeping a big secret from me, any normal person would immediately react badly then maybe come around. Me? I tell him to stay and he walks out… just move Will. This is something I need to say to Jay. I deserve more than a vague explanation." My hands come up to rest on my hips.

"No, you need to give him time."

"Will, move out of the way and let her in." My eyes move past Will to see Nina smiling at me with sympathy.

"Thank you Nina." I nod at her with gratitude.

"Anytime, he's in the spare room. Down the hall to the left."

"What are you doing?" Will asks her shocked.

"He's the one with a secret marriage and he left her… she had right to kick his lying ass out. Let her give him a piece of her mind." Nina crosses her arms as she stares Will down.

"It's not as simple as that."

"You would know that how Will? You were there for him when he got back?" I raise an eyebrow at him, he bows his head and I walk past them both and down the hallway.

I open the bedroom door to see the bag open on the bed and Jay sitting next to it, head bowed over and staring at his phone.

I walk closer; an ache in my chest when I see a picture of us on his screen zoomed in so only I'm in frame.

Jay looks up with tears in his eyes, and I sigh down at him.

"Erin, what are you doing here?"

"What do you think? Let's go home." I move to repack the few items he's pulled out; he stands and reaches his hands out to stop me.

"I need time." His voice is soft.

"Too bad. I'm not letting you push me away."

"Erin, come on."

"Come on what? You walk out of our apartment for too long and we're done. That terrifies me. I had every right to kick you out Jay, you lied to me. Kept something so big… but I sensed more to the story and it seemed like you needed me so I asked you to stay, told you I could handle it. Just let me in and we would sort it out and you _left_."

"It's not like that."

"Like what? You see your ex… wife… whatever and suddenly your emotional baggage is too much and it's all coming up? So you push me away? I at least deserve more than a vague explanation about shame of your past and still being married…"

"You've pushed me away before."

"Yeah. And you fought your way back every time."

"Wasn't quick."

"No, but we also weren't living together. You made a commitment to me so we're going home."

"No."

"You tell me your married, I'm obviously insecure and you what? Reassure me by leaving? Without explaining how you are still married. I've know you four years and you never mentioned this."

"It's from a time of my life I'm ashamed with."

"We all have shame Jay… you know my ugly secrets. Even the illegal ones… from right back to when I was young. I can't tell you that getting hitched back then wasn't like you, cuz I don't know who you were then. But not telling me now? Walking out on me? That's not the Jay Halstead I know… the man I love."

"By the time I thought I should tell you I was too in love with you and I didn't want to see that look in your eyes… the look you got today. Didn't want you to have an excuse to pull away."

"You got the look anyway, the look was hurt that you never told me. You said you wanted to move in so I couldn't come and go? Well here you are… gone. Using your marriage as an excuse to pull away."

"It's not an excuse." He fires back frustrated.

"Don't go Jay, stay with me and work through it. I shouldn't have to explain this to you, I'm the one with screwed up relationship history… well I was. I guess you win that with your secret wife." I turn away from him with a shake of the head.

"You always take charge with this relationship, well now it's my turn. You can't expect to leave me and deal with all of this and then come back and be fine. That's not happening Jay. We need to work through it together. Whatever you're feeling, whatever you're pushing down let me help you."

"I don't know…"

"I can handle it." I insist again.

"That's something I need to figure out…"

"Figure it out with me… trust me to handle your baggage. You won't know until you start letting me in."

"Erin, I'm still married."

"You have been all this time, we can't take anything back."

"But I didn't know."

"You're not in love with her… are you?" My voice is insecure, my eyes dropping to the floor.

"No, I never was." He's serious, honestly in his eyes when I finally look back up.

"Then it's not an issue, we can figure that out together." He looks like he wants to say yes but finally he shakes his head, turning away from me.

"I'm going to bed."

"Well if you're not coming home, I'm staying here."

I lay down on the bed making myself comfortable, he sighs before laying down next to me.

"So how long ago did you get married?" After a few tense minutes of silence I ask the question I've been wondering.

"Eight years ago."

"How the hell are you married to someone for eight years and not know? You're a detective."

"I thought she signed the papers." His voice is detached and I try for a calmer tone.

"Why didn't she sign the papers?"

"I don't know." I feel his shoulder move against mine in a shrug.

"Maybe she was in love with you."

"It was a twenty four hour thing, we hadn't even seen each other in a year." His tone sounds defensive and I wonder what he's keeping from me now.

"I was in love with you before we got together… it's possible. Although in saying that I would have divorced you if you asked."

He looks over me, unsure of how to respond.

"Why didn't you just get it annulled? It was Vegas after all."

"We weren't exactly thinking straight at that time in our life. It was a mistake and I wanted it over."

"And now? When you chose to not tell me for four years?"

"Just go to sleep." He huffs and turns over so his back is to me, I continue staring at the ceiling.

"Why'd she come back?"

"What?" I roll over so I'm facing his back.

"I assume there was a reason." I try again, knowing my question was simple enough.

"She told me she was getting married and needed me to sign the papers. I said I would but she said they weren't on her… I saw her tonight and…"

"You saw her tonight?" I interrupt confused.

"Yeah, we had a drink." Pain fills my heart knowing he saw her before coming home to pack his bag. Not even waiting for me to get home to talk it out first.

"Seems like alcohol got you into this mess." My voice is full of anger at the new information.

"And alcohol has never gotten you in a mess before?" His tone is hurtful and I narrow my eyes.

"Well I slept with men I'd later regret, can't say I've ever married one." Jay's back is tense when I speak of other men and I feel a small twinge of satisfaction, still yearning for comfort to quell my insecurities.

"I drank a lot back then. Don't remember too much of that time… just tried drinking away the pain and memories." It hits me that maybe he was so good to me when Nadia died, so understanding was because he's turned to alcohol before too.

He knows the temptation and allure it presents.

"I take it she didn't have the papers tonight?"

"No…"

"And?"

I roll my eyes when he doesn't reply; the room is tense until we finally drift off into a restless night of sleep.

* * *

I stir away the next morning, smiling when I feel warm arms wrapped around me and feel warmth in my chest when lips graze my forehead.

My eyes open when I feel him pull away, he slides from the bed and from the room without looking back at me.

I follow him out groggily and overhear Will.

"Sorry man, Nina let her in."

"It's fine." Jay shrugs as he sits next to Will.

"So she stayed over then…" Will tries for more information.

"It's not like that Will."

"I probably would have smothered you in your sleep… you know if it were me." Nina smiles over at him innocently, her eyes than flicking back to me.

"Erin, come join us for breakfast."

"I'm gonna get going." Jay makes a move for the door, in the rumbled clothes he slept in.

"Dude, don't leave me with both of them." Will complains, Jay gives in with a sigh as he sits back down. I sit across from him and next to Nina as she puts some food on my place.

"Thanks." She sends me a wink as I look over at Jay.

"So was Will at the wedding?"

"No, we weren't exactly speaking at that time." I raise my eyebrows, him confirming my next point for me.

"Yet he knew. You could tell him about it without the memories becoming too much, but you couldn't tell me? You never even really had to give me information on it, the earlier you mentioned it the less I would have asked." I shrug at him and he nods his head slowly.

"So why didn't she have the papers?" I ask again, knowing he has nowhere to run now.

"Erin."

"What? We can talk here or back home."

Jay pushes his chair back and storms back to the bedroom, the door shutting behind him.

"Sorry." I get up to follow him.

"Jay. Can you not see this is killing me?" I plead with tears in my eyes.

"What?"

"Wake up, I'm really struggling but I'm trying." Tears come to my eyes and Jay automatically pulls me into his chest.

"I'm sorry." He whispers into my hair.

"Stop apologizing and just come home." I'm begging but no longer care.

"Okay." He whispers into my hair.

"But I am sorry. I should have reassured you." He tilts my face back to look into my eyes.

"I do not have feelings for Abby, I care about her in the way you would for someone you use to be with. I've never been in love with her, you don't need to feel threatened that she's here or that I ever married her. I was a drunk mess and add the fact I was mourning another friend, I fucked up. I knew it as soon as I sobered up, I can't explain the emotions I was experiencing losing so many soldiers. I hate that I'll now be married twice in my life; I wish I could undo it and one day… think about having you as my wife."

"Thank you. I've been feeling insecure."

"You have no need to, you're beautiful and I love you. I'm in love with you, I've never felt this before." He promises me, his thumbs rubbing my cheeks.

"Please can we go home now?"

"Let's go home." He confirms.

 **A/N: There is a part 2, and I'll get the next part of 'Come Home, Jay' up soon.**

 **After I finish writing my frustrations out (almost there) I can go back to my other stories, like the second chap of Regrets.**

 **Now I realise you all probably want Jays List of Fantasies... it's hard writing happy Linstead right now lol**

 **Please give me an idea that's just so good I have no choice but to write it. Please? lol**

 **Leave a review :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.**

 **A/N: Okay here is Part 2. Now I just need to get up the next chapter of 'Come home, Jay' and then post my last idea from this episode... where Jay tells Abby about Erin and goes home to seek forgiveness.**

 **Then I think I'm done... until we see next week lol I could come up with other alternatives but I really want to go back to focusing on my other stories...**

Figure it out with me – Part 2

We are laying in each other's embrace on the bed, Jay's hand running through my hair.

"I looked something up while you were in the shower." He tells me suddenly.

"Hmmm." I reply sleepily.

"If you're married in the state of Nevada you can apply for annulment at any time, it won't matter we have been married eight years. If Abby agrees, should be easy enough. If not, the court can decide. But given it was twenty four hours and she never signed the papers, I'm sure it will be okay."

"Really?" I look up hopeful.

"Yeah. No need for a divorce this way."

"And you're not just doing it for me?" My eyes are searching his.

"No, for me too."

"Good." I lean up and press our lips together.

"Wait, why wouldn't she agree?"

"When I asked for the papers last night she admitted she doesn't have them, that she isn't getting married. She told me she wishes she said I love you back then… I guess she must have been carrying around feelings from when we served together. I wasn't aware of them… she wishes we could have fixed it back then."

"Are you fucking kidding?" I growl, anger consuming me.

"No… I told her that she deserved good things but I wasn't going to be the one to give them to her."

"She didn't file for divorce after you signed, she waits eight years and drops back in your life with some BS story and then tries to ply you with alcohol to fall back into your arms. Ever think maybe she wants your emotional baggage to resurface and the cycle will repeat?"

"She's not vindictive Erin."

"Well from where I'm sitting she's no angel either."

"Erin…"

"Sorry…" He places a kiss to my forehead.

"What's your plan here?" I finally ask.

"In regards?"

"Working through everything… I'm here for you and I'll do what you need. But I think you need to see someone."

"I know." His reply is quiet.

"I can speak with Doctor Charles for you if you like? Or would you prefer to see someone you don't know?"

"Doctor Charles seems like a good choice."

"Okay, I'll set it up. But just know… that I'm here for you. Anytime of the day or night Jay, if you need to talk I can handle it. If you wake from a nightmare, reach out for me. Even if you just want me to be with you while you calm down and drift back off." My head is tilted back so he can see the seriousness in my eyes.

"Thank you." He whispers as he attaches our lips softly.

"I want to share with you Erin, but it's hard. Something is stopping me."

"Do you remember when you told me that you'd like to think you could handle everything I've done?"

"Yeah."

"Well you were right. You could… and I'm better off for sharing my baggage. I want that for you too."

Jay's silent as he searches my eyes before he nods gently.

"I think I struggled the most with having to face the families… knowing their loved ones came back in a coffin. When I was here between tours I felt guilty, like men and women were dying over there and I was just _sitting_ here. I couldn't wait to go back… I ignored all the signs of PTSD. The last tour though, I made a wrong call… trusted the wrong person and one of the men in my unit suffered the consequences. We went after the terrorist responsible, only thinking of revenge and not caring what got in our way. We tracked him down, him and his men had guns so we opened fire. When we cleared the building…." My eyes are full of tears as I watch Jay struggle with his story, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"We found a mother and daughter in the next room, some stray bullets went through the wall and they were bleeding out." Sobs fall from his lips as I cup his cheek with my hand.

"We killed them, I killed them." He can barely speak through his sobs and I lean my forehead against his wet cheek pulling him closer.

"I'm sorry Jay, I can't imagine the pain you feel… let me take some it from you." He cries harder and tears slip down my own cheeks mixing with his.

"You're a good man Jay. It's not your fault."

* * *

My eyes open slowly, greeted with darkness as I reach out to pull Jay closer.

I frown when I'm met with empty sheets, my eyes flicker around the room before landing on him sitting in a chair near the wall.

"Jay." I whisper noticing his eyes are on me.

I climb from the bed and walk over to him, sitting on his lap and sighing as he pulls me into his embrace.

"What are you doing up?" I run my hands through his hair.

"Nightmare." He whispers and I nod softly.

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"I wanted to watch you sleep. It helps… the peaceful look on your face and the steady rise and fall of your chest. It reminds me I have you… that I have something good."

"Okay." I kiss his forehead.

"You know I never thought I deserved to find someone to love." He tells me quietly and I wait and listen.

"But then I met you and no matter the guilt I felt, I couldn't stay away. We were just meant to be… it worked. It was natural…"

"Why did you feel you didn't deserve love?" I ask quietly, knowing I've overcome similar sentiments.

"Because so many didn't come home to the ones they love. I failed them."

"You can't save everyone Jay, they wouldn't have wanted you feeling that way." I place a kiss in his hair.

"Yeah." He nods against me, his scruff rubbing along my neck.

His lips press down on my neck as he turns me around, before joining our lips.

The kiss starts off slow, his tongue finally slipping into my mouth and his hand tangling in my hair.

"Jay." I whisper softly, unsure if we should be doing this.

"I want this Erin. I need this." I search his blue eyes before nodding softly, also craving the intimacy.

He moves us to the bed, my back dropping softly onto the mattress and his body hovering over mine.

Jay moves his lips back to mine as his hand slides up my shirt and finds my breast.

I moan into his mouth as he moves a leg to rest against my aching pussy.

He pulls away to slide my shirt off, his lips then trailing down my neck all the way down to my left breast.

My hips jerk at the sensation, his other hand palming my other breast.

I grasp his shirt and pull it over his head, bringing his lips back to mine as I slip his boxers off and wrap my hand around his length.

He sighs in my mouth as I pump it a few times, before he pulls away to slip my shorts and panties off.

His forehead is leaning against mine as he slides into me, joining out bodies.

He's still for a moment as he looks down into my eyes.

"I love you."

"I love you too." I whisper back as he begins moving against me, his thrusts are hurried as his lips find mine.

My tongue slips into his mouth with a moan as he moves faster, my orgasm quickly building.

I run my hands over his muscled back, desperate to feel him closer and enjoying the feel of our naked chests pressed together.

Jay's rocking against me with his hands roaming my body making me shiver.

My hand finds his hair as I reach my orgasm, his penis still pumping in and out until he finds his own release.

When our breathing calms Jay rolls to the side and pulls me into his embrace, our naked bodies being comforted by the others body heat.

"Thank you for not letting me go." He whispers quietly.

"You'll always have me."

 **A/N: Leave a review :) Do you guys have a favorite spin from the episode 4x17? I think I've covered a few different angles now.**

 **:)**


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